Wednesday, February 23, 2011

February 23rd, 2011 at 6:50 pm by under Deanna's Journey

Retail therapy in house shoes.  Yep.  I had the nerve, the unmitigated gall to take my black butt to Stein Mart in house shoes.  I had to do it.  My feet are a straight up mess, but sometimes a girl just needs to shop.

I’ve developed peripheral neuropathy.  It causes numbness, and sometimes pain in your extremities.  As I’ve told you in previous posts, my feet are truly ugly.  My bad boys bark like a bulldog all on their own.  It really adds insult to injury that now they hurt as well, so much so, that most shoes are really uncomfortable.

So that leads us to the trip to Stein Mart.  They were having one of those wonderful sales – 50 percent off all red dot items.  Yeah baby!  And I’ve been feeling truly unattractive.  Every cancer patient goes through it.  Cancer treatment usually changes the way you look.  That’s a fact.  The trick is not to look at yourself naked.  The glimpse in the mirror Sunday morning sent me into a tailspin.  Good grief – who is that skinny, bald black chick?  Oh my.  I needed to shop – shoes or not.

I wore real shoes to church.  It was about all my feet could take.  So after church, off I went to Stein Mart in my house shoes.  They’re really funny looking, multi-colored, pink and purple super soft fur-lined boots.  They have a hard sole, so I walked in with attitude, pretending I was wearing shoes.  I found three super comfy outfits to wear after surgery, and I met a woman in the check out line who made me smile.  She was buying business clothes.  “I start my new job tomorrow,” she told me smiling.  “I was out of work for a year.” 

“Oh wow, congratulations,” I told her.  “I have surgery in a few weeks, and I’m buying clothes to wear during my recovery.” She and I continued to chat while we waited.  She told me how hard the year had been without a job, and she so looked forward to returning to the work world.

We both stood holding our clothes, anticipating the changes ahead represented by the outfits draped over our arms.  And it’s then that I really grasped the inevitability of change.  For all of us, change is the only constant, and life is about adjusting to that change with the knowledge that God’s love is unchanging.

And so it is.  I’m okay today.  I still ain’t got no hair.  I don’t recognize my body.  My boobs will soon be gone.  But God’s love is ever-present and unchanging – bringing me peace in my ever-changing world.

21 Responses to “Wednesday, February 23, 2011”

  1. Pete says:

    Love you, D!!!!

  2. April says:

    Ya know what…they are just boobs. Every girl has em…go out and be proud you are gonna be different! And don’t worry about not wearing heels…ugly shoe girls, UNITE!

  3. Lisa Miller says:

    I’m sorry you’re hurting – both physically, from the peripheral neuropathy, and self esteem-wise. But, my dear, let me make one thing clear: You are beautiful. Hair, or no hair. Boobs, or no boobs. In smiles, or in tears. You are gorgeous and radiant, because your soul shines. And nothing’s more important.

  4. Teri White says:

    You are such a blessing! I continue to pray for you and what you are going through. GOD BLESS YOU

  5. Barb Ross says:

    You make me smile and feel ashamed to complain about anthing wrong with my life. God Bless you!!!! You are such an inspiration. Your in our thoughts and prayers!

  6. Bev Guffey says:

    You are such an amazing inspiration. I look forward to your every post, you make me smile everytime. Thanks and may God continue to be with you..

  7. Ray says:

    Better to have brains, which you have, than boobs, which, when you come right down to it, you don’t need — because, as Lisa Miller wrote, “You are beautiful. Hair, or no hair. Boobs, or no boobs.”

  8. Karen says:

    Hair or not you sure are a pretty women, and your inspiration makes you that more radiant. Your writing is helping so many people.

    Have another Bless Day:)

  9. Deanna says:

    Deanna – since I learned of “Fred” who has been annihilated, I have selfishly yearned to read your blog posts. It reminds me of the beautiful, young girl with the effervescent smile, the young girl who could “kick” anyone’s butt in debate, the young girl who seemed to have been on this earth before because her maturity level was so much higher than most people around her, the young girl who could recite anything in an eloquent and convincing way…that young girl was and is YOU!

    I love you, my sister in Christ, my fellow Coronado High classmate!

    Kimberly Hooper-Jackson

  10. Shirley says:

    You are beautiful inside and out, Deanna.

  11. cynthia smoker says:

    Was having a feel sorry for myself day-was just let go from a job I held for 15 years. Deanna I wish I had 1/10 of your amazing outlook on life. Your energy for others is unbelievable and inspiring. I beleive that you will one day get that litttle bundle of pink joy, but I think you are being directed by a greater power to mentor and love those who have been put in your path. And Ditto-they are just boobs and you are getting a brand new perky pair!!! (that wasn’t available for my mom 51 years ago) Give Tipper a pet and a dog treat for being a faithful companion. Ding dong FRED is dead!!!

  12. Annie says:

    Thanks for sharing your journey with us. My husband is a 2 time cancer survivor; melanoma 30yrs, and prostrate 2yrs. I read your Feb. 23rd blog to him and he agreed with what you wrote. And it is a journey you take together; its not an easy thing to do; but God gives you the strength to do it. Much prayer helped us get through. And it will for you, too. Prayers and blessings.

  13. Wow,

    Your responses to this post have really lifted my spirits. Thank you. April, you made me chuckle. You’re so right. Ugly shoe girls, UNITE! Unless my feet improve dramatically, my pointy 4 inch heels will soon be donated to some charitable organization. And Cynthia, it’s okay to grieve about losing your job. Job loss is painful, stressful, and filled with uncertainty. Please know you’re in my prayers.

    Kimberly, we’ve not seen each other since high school, but have found you via the internet. Ain’t that a blessing. It’s so good to hear from you again, and thank you for that sweet look back memory lane.

    Hugs to you all,


  14. Kellye says:

    I recently got married and moved out of state. As my mother and I were talking this morning, she mentioned the battle that you are fighting. I could not believe that this was true of one of my favorite newscasters (not only because you’re a soror). I immediately went to the internet and did a search. I found this blog. I began reading with your most recent entry…although I should have started at the beginning. Each entry that I read brought me closer and closer to the brink of tears…not because I feel sorry for you, but because I felt inspired. I am a Christian woman and believe with my whole heart that God is capable of all things. I have had my own health concerns lately and will admit that I have allowed them to bring me down a bit. So, as I sat there reading this and getting my breathing treatment ready, I found myself in tears. Your blog has reminded me that this difficult time is not the time for me to pull out the streamers and throw myself a pity party. This is the time to appreciate all that God has blessed me with…even the measure of health that I still have. I pray that God fully heals you and that He continues to allow your testimony to inspire each person that you touch. Thank you for being an inspiration and for sharing your fight with us.

  15. Debbie says:


    Just wanted to share this with you. What an inspiration you are.

    Hope on the Horizon
    Do you know what Hope is?
    It’s magic and it’s free.
    It’s not in a prescription,
    It’s not in an IV.

    Do you know what Hope is?
    It’s reaching past today.
    It’s dreaming of tomorrow.
    It’s trying a new way.

    It’s pushing past impossible,
    It’s pounding on the door.
    It’s questioning the answers,
    It’s always seeking more.

    It’s rumors of a breakthrough,
    It’s whispers of a cure,
    A roller coaster rise,
    Of remedies, unsure.

    Do you know what Hope is?
    It’s candy for the soul.
    It’s perfume for the spirit,
    It share it…makes you whole.
    Author Unknown

  16. Linda says:

    Deanna, When I think about my diagnosis of breast cancer last April, I think of you. That day I came out of the surgeon’s office after my first biopsy and knew that they were 99% sure that I had breast cancer. The scripture that came to my mind that day was one from Corinthians upon which our pastor had been preaching: “Honor God with your body.” I remember thinking, “But God, how could you possibly be honored with this pitiful, cancer-filled body?” He is using your cancer to bring honor to Him! We are nothing, but in our weakness He brings strength that is undefined. Prayers continue for you and your family as well as your family at WISH.

  17. Tracy Grady says:


    what an inspiration you are to not only women with cancer, but women in general. You are such a strong and beautiful women with or without your hair. I have a niece going through breast cancer and the cancer has spread to her bones. Thanks for lifting my spirits and being living proof the cancer cannot still your joy. Keep fighting the good fight.


  18. Susan Edwards says:

    Deanna, you are an inspiration to all of us, with your gentleness and love. I am praying for you, and hope that God will bless you abundantly. You give women with breast cancer hope and help. God be with you.

  19. M. Rose says:

    I adore reading your blog, Deanna – you are just amazing. I am humbled to be witnessing your strength and candor as you go through this journey. Thank you for allowing all of us to go along with you as you slay those dragons. You are my hero!

  20. Running Mountain Fawn says:

    I pray that the Grandfather (that’s what we Cherokee call Him) will watch over you and your family and give you all the strength and courage you need to fight this battle. He will be there with all His love and comfort through this journey you must make. You are a shining example of courage and strength to all women. Not just those who fight disease, but also to people like me. You show what true courage and strength really is all about. Thank you for having the courage to share your story with others who may be facing this disease. Grandfather watch over you. He will see you through this with all his love and comfort.

  21. Becky Bechtel says:

    Deanna – you are an inspiration to all of us. If there is one thing I’ve learned since my diagnosis in December and surgery on March 3, is to let everyone lift you and carry you through this. People want to help you, want to pray for you, and people love you. You are such a courageous woman. I met with Dr. Storniolo yesterday and she said you are even an inspiration to her.

    We are all sisters in this together. If there is a gathering of prayer for you, count me in. Until that time, I will be praying for you and praying fully for your healing. God is good and he will get you through this. May you feel the love of God and strength of the Christian community with you every single step of the way.